my hope

my hope is NOT in who I am

it is not in my role

in my position

in my reputation

it is not in my future or desires

it is not in circumstances

it is not in things or people

My hope is in God. it has to be. The other things change and fade and I only can hope in the Lord.

I want to hold on to hope that good things will happen in my future. I want to have hope that I will be a mother, that i will make a great impact for the kingdom, that I will live on the field... but i can't hope in those things. God is my hope and I choose to hope only in Him.

Tomorrow i would have been 7 weeks pregnant but this weekend things changed quickly. my body and my emotions are trying to deal with the loss of our tiny baby. I still believe that God can do a huge miracle and that there could be a way for the baby to have survived but it's not looking very promising.

These last few months have rocked my foundations and it has made me more sure of the God that I love and serve. I will give it all up... my future, my plans, my way.... to follow my savior obediently and intimately.

pray that the God of comfort will be close to our hearts as we grieve.

this week

This week felt like one of the hardest I've had- or at least hardest in a long time. I was on the verge of tears all week and my soul felt sad and broken. Throughout the whole week I was asking God to fill me with truth and hope and now after 7 days of tears my heart is beginning to be uplifted.

I have been in the counseling school for almost 3 months now and I have learned so much but with it has come some hard soul-searching type of stuff. Last friday I had a conversation with the school leader that left me crushed and broken. I am used to leaders loving me, I am used to being trusted and given responsibility, and I am used to feeling encouraged by my leaders. I have known that I put too much weight on what leaders think of me, but this week it all come to the surface. Although I know in my head that my worth and value comes from God, when my leader said very hurtful words to me, in my heart I felt so worthless and devastated. I felt like my character, dreams, and value was trampled on and I had nothing left. Throughout this week God has been speaking to me and I think it is getting into my heart more and more. Here are some of the little truths He's been saying:

* He is for me

* He likes me

* He will rescue me

* Psalm 27-- The Lord is the defense of my life... wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage

* He will lift me up in his timing

* He sees me and knows me

* I don't need to defend myself or try to get people on "my team"

* I need to release her and walk in grace and forgiveness

* He is trustworthy and good

I hope throughout this tough experience my value will be based on God's thoughts. I will wait for Him to redeem or change the situation. Until then--- I will stand on the truth that He is my light and my salvation, that He is faithful and good, and that He is my firm foundation.

notpliment

happy memorial day!

It's a day off from my counseling school! whoop whoop.

It's been a great day so far but now i must buckle down and start my 11 page paper which is due tomorrow. While I search my head for a topic I have to blog a thought.

lately I've been the recipient of many age notpliments (notpliment: not quite a compliment). First it was during the chipotle happy hour when aaron and I had to show some IDs to get our margaritas. The worker checked aaron's license and smiled sweetly; when she looked at my date of birth from over 3 decades ago she said "WOW! you sure don't look THAT old!" The true sign that you've been given a notpliment is when you have to respond with a "thank you??" scrunching up your face and looking awkward. Last night I got another one when some girl aaron went to high school with asked me how old i was. she gave me the "huh....you look pretty good for being that old. i thought you were maybe 24 or 25 but never 31!"

here are some other notpliments that are frequently heard:

* I like your hair better that way

* Wow, you aren't as fat as you were

* You look beautiful in this light

* It's amazing what makeup can do for you!

* You're smarter than you look

* You are unique in your own special way

* that shirt is really slimming

* you drive well for a woman

* it doesn't taste that bad

do you have any notpliments to share?? or do you have a topic for my paper??

i'm blogging!!

hey everyone...

i'm blogging!!! I blog! I'm a blogger!!

I decided it was high time I get on the blog train and share my life with the world wide web and YOU too of course. I know I have been so blessed in my life and I want to give God the credit and also share some of the things that I am learning. I've spent the last 20 blogs or so dedicated to our incredible miracle wedding. It felt like the hand of God was on us and I want to share just SOME of the huge miracles.

It's supposed to start in the beginning with things like location and stuff but I'm not smart enough in the blogging world to figure out how to switch it. meh, oh well... you'll just have to work backward starting on our glorious honeymoon!

I hope you enjoy-- become a follower or save me on your google reader-- however you bloggies do it!

much love!!

honeymoon!

For our honeymoon we hit the jackpot! As many of you know I am a pretty big cheapskate so I knew we had better go to a place that was an all-inclusive! We searched for deals for months and then a miracle happened-- SWINE FLU!! We were pleased and the world was scared and we got a hotel in mexico for 70% off!! It was cheaper for us to fly to the mexico and stay for 7 nights than it would been to stay at the ghetto motel 6 for a week!

We had so much fun eating, drinking, swimming, going on adventures and enjoying each other! Thank you secret silversands in the riveria maya (and thank you swine flu scare!)

delicioso

The food situation went from me making pasta to just serving peanuts. I thought of every possibility but finally I was given the best tip to look at taqueria vallarta! I called them right away and they not only made AMAZING mexican food but they gave me an incredible deal!

The dessert situation was a bit in the air for awhile too--- aaron and I don't really like cake and he wouldn't let me only serve peppermint ice cream so we settled on pie. Aaron loves pie so I thought I would start this marriage super selfless and let him have his way~ =) We ended up having the most fabulous pie table in the world.... people from everywhere made THE most delicious pies for everyone to enjoy. It was one of my favorite parts of the night (and I don't even like pie!!)

friends!

We had friends from all over travel to our wedding

Ali and Yang Ping from china

Marcus from Switzerland

Lizzie from Taiwan

Micah from Iraq

People also came from Washington, all over Cali, Colorado, Texas (love you Kris), and Minnesota. We are so blessed to know each one of you.

namba

rob namba has been one of my heroes since i was a teenager. He made a huge impact on my life and I had dreamed that he would be the officiant. The only trouble was he decided to move to New Zealand months before the wedding!! Luckily Jen his wife gave him the permission to hop on a plane and marry us

!

music

I have some talented friends....

The beautiful melodies from Josh and Candace filled the forest with heavenly worship. Their voices blended beautifully and I am so blessed they belted it out for us.

Carey Webber the sound/DJ hooked us up with free equipment and he expertly mixed all the sound and dance music! Unbelievable job!

video

the crazy talented Luke and sidekick BB shot the wedding. Once it's handed off to Dina she will edit it!

It's going to be so worth the wait i'm sure!! =)

They were also the culprits for the fantastically ridiculous and awesome video shown at the reception! Your video will be a legend forever!

the flowers!

Oh I love this one!

As soon as the ring was on my finger I knew I wanted Dahlias and Orchids at the wedding. I love how different both of these flowers are and I loved the bright and beautiful colors. I wanted my flowers to be all of the color at the wedding!

My amazing mother said she would start growing some so they would be ready for the big day. She bought some bulbs but decided these little guys were way more intricate than she realized. She started doing some research and realized that there was a Dahlia Society of Santa Cruz County. She immediately joined in on the Friday night meetings and told the group that her daughter wanted all Dahlias for her wedding. Each one of their eyes lit up and they vowed to help her out. Not only did they give her tips and bulbs but they offered up their fields of Dahlias for the big day! The day before the wedding we went from garden to garden picking whatever we wanted for bouquets, vases and basic decor. They were huge, amazing, brilliant and the most beautiful thing I have ever seen!

I also bought the orchids at costco making my flower total about $50!!

programs and water

A few more miracle details:

I got all of these programs at Big Lots for a few dollars. It was the perfect color and I printed them all off on the Fox's home computer! LOVE IT!

and these awesome water bottles... designed and stuck on by my favorite big brother Matthew Calvin!!!

wedding coordinators

I never thought I would ever have enough cash to pay for a wedding coordinator and I never ever thought I would have TWO!

A few months before the wedding a friend from my campus asked me how the details were coming with wedding planning. I told her some of the struggles and joys and she started telling me about her wedding planning aunt who arranged everything for her. All of the sudden she stopped and said "Wait, she also works in the bay area and she is wanting to do 6 free weddings to build up her resume--- I'm going to go call her!!!" She ran off and I stood in shock. A few days later Jackie called and offered her services for free. She said it would be her pleasure and honor to fly from Minnesota with her friend and husband to help with the wedding. She was incredible! Organized, kind, and so very lovely. She was the day of coordinator for the reception and I don't think I'll ever know just how much work she did and how much she saved the day!

Katie was wedding coordinator number two. She was beyond belief-- she ran the rehearsal, made special signs, decorated the heck out of the ceremony site and took care of ALL of the details. She is worth millions and without her I would have had a half-hearted hippy wedding in the woods. She made the ceremony flow without a hitch and she calmed my nerves with her humor and kindness. I can't wait to return the favor for her big day.

Make up

A week or so before the wedding I went to San Jose with my dear friend Dani to shop for jewelry. I was telling her about all of the wedding miracles that had happened so far and also told her about the prayer times I was having with God about all the other details that were still needing help. I told her how much I trusted God but how sometimes it was so hard to always be struggling with finances and provision. We shared our hearts and chatted about the opportunities that God has to "show up" when we trust him for every detail. After we had found a great deal on jewelry we went walking through the makeup department. I told D that I was still needing help with makeup but maybe I could get a free makeover and buy a few things to do my own makeup.

We sat down with a women who said she'd help me out and we all stated chatting away. Dani quickly stated that I was getting married soon and the conversation went on to how I met Aaron. I told her we met in a mission organization and her eyes widened a bit. She asked which one and after I told her she exclaimed "I'M A YWAMER!!!" We talked all about her desire to come back to God and missions and when she walked away to get more blush or something Dani said "I'm going to pray she does your makeup for free!!!" I replied "Me too!!" and we quickly looked innocent when she came back. Within a few minutes of her return she looked at me and said "I would really like to do your makeup for your wedding and I would like to do it for free." My eyes got big, I got a little smile and looked at Dani who had huge tears welling up in her eyes.

Kari drove all the way from San Jose to Aptos on our wedding day with all of her makeup to do me up. She gave me free samples and lots of hugs and she did an incredible job. I love that God knows each one of my needs, however insignificant and silly they may be.

hair

I loved my hair! The gorgeous Kalina agreed to do up my hair for the wedding and the rehearsal. We had great chats and her services were even paid for by one of my incredible friends behind my back.

My talented EDF made my hair piece and graciously agreed to make one for all of the "attendants". Pretty huh?!

photography!

Oh gosh... where do I even begin with the photography!?!? It had been on my prayer list throughout our entire engagement and even a few months before the wedding, it was not looking good. Everyone I talked to... professionals to amateurs (and I even talked to some amateur amateurs) wanted to charge me more money than I can imagine.

Just as I was thinking... "God, where are you?" and "I guess I can take mental pictures" I got a call from the incredibly talented Raya! I couldn't believe my ears when she told me she wanted to take our pictures and she would make the price work for us. WHAT?!? she called me!!

She's so kind, creative, godly and straight up amazing! I am pleased beyond my wildest dreams with the incredible photos she took of our day. But more than that I am so touched, honored and humbled by her devotion, compassion and sacrifice. Raya and her partner Shelly are an answer to prayer and I am hoping they both will know what it feels like to be blessed beyond belief.

http://rayaphotography.com/

the location

I grew up as a forest kid. I was the child who wandered the woods with friends. i never got poison oak even though my 'city friends' would be out of school for days after playing at my house (sorry jennifer phalen).

when i was looking for a place to be wed i instantly thought of a little spot in the middle of the redwoods at Bethany University . The redwood bowl needed some work and I started writing emails asking to trade work on the outdoor auditorium for use of the site. After a few emails and a meet I realized that I know the coordinator from Bethany! He gave it to us for free and my incredible pops worked hours and hours to make it look beautiful.

The Redwood Bowl was

amazing and truly magical. I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful spot. A breeze blew right in the middle of a gorgeous song from candace and josh and it was like God was raining down leaves of blessing on us. I'll never forget it.

the dress

ok let's start with this wedding business! there were lots of miracles leading up to being engaged including a great deal on a beautiful ring but let's start with the dress.

When I started making the "I'M ENGAGED!!" calls I had friends offer their wedding dresses to me. I knew that I was going to have to make this wedding low budget but I didn't want to settle for any old dress. My amazing friend Sarah Mc insisted I at least go try on her duplicate dress at David's Bridal. I brought my lovely friend Jen and made sure she knew this wasn't going to be a tear fest. I told her this was not like the movies... i was not going to allow lots of gush and talks of magical white tulle. When we arrived in David's Bridal the 17 year old attendant was giddy with excitement... she made me pick out some nasty white 'lady of the night' shoes and had me look through the thousands of dresses for the perfect one. I told her i'd try on 3 but one of them had to be the exact one Sarah had in Cali. When I finally got to sarah's dress i walked out looked at jen and said "um yeah, this works" she replied calmly, "yep, that's the one." I think the attendant was in shock the rest of the day. who decides on a dress that quickly?! and who gets a wedding dress for free dollars!?! me.

here's the dress that fit perfectly! thank you sarah!!

biggest miracle of all!

Let's start with the biggest miracle of all in the last year.

Aaron Andrew Espe

He is kind, godly, giving, fun, and straight up amazing. i can't believe i married such a catch. miracle.

blog it up

I've decided I can't hold it in any longer! I am joining the blogging world! God does so many miracles in my life and I need to share it. I'm going to start off blogging about my wedding miracles and then we'll see where it goes from there. thanks for stopping by!