fall

this week was great....

...ivy dressed up as a baby girl zebra

...aaron carved his first jack-o-lantern (he was a missionary kid)

...and we tried to take a family picture

we have about 50 ones like these... not ONE keeper. obviously this family isn't the most photogenic!!

amazing!!

yesterday--- just yesterday i was praying and worrying about finances... and TODAY we got a totally unexpected gift!

i am humbled

and amazed

and so so grateful.

it is so hard sometimes to live by faith with our finances but it is so incredible when GOD uses people to answer our needs and prayers.

why do i still give in to the worry?? the Lord has provided for us over and over again and I want to speak about His faithfulness in the good times and the hard times.

He is so worthy of my praise. He is good. so good.

this is ivy...

Ivy Ellnora Espe. Born May 16th 2011.

she's the best thing ever!

so fun

so flexible

so adorable!

redeemed

hello blog world... it's been over a year since i've updated the world wide web via this blog. So much has happened since my last blog- it's strange to look back.

summer 2010 was a difficult time-- I seemed that so many of my "securities" crumbled before me. From dreams being crushed, to a miscarriage, to being on a jury for a murder trial-- it was a crazy few months!

It's amazing how many things have been redeemed since that time.

Here are a few of the "turn arounds":

* miscarriage--redeemed to Ivy!! just a month after our miscarriage I was pregnant. i was pretty fearful during the pregnancy... i was so worried something would happen again and that my heart would be broken. it wasn't until she was in my arms that i fully realized that i was going to be a mom!! luckily i bonded very quickly and now i can't imagine life without her!

* giving up a dream-- redeemed to a new AMAZING opportunity! After a situation with my Y counseling school I thought I had to give up the dream of being involved with future counseling schools. This summer i got a call from a friend working in Belize-- they asked me to help lead and pioneer a counseling school in april! We are still working out the details but things are falling into place incredibly!

* housing problem-- redeemed to more than we could have imagined! Our small apartment was cute and fun but it was a bit cramped and FREEZING!! this summer Aaron's parents moved to central Asia and we took over their home. the rent is in our budget and we now have lots of space and a beautiful back yard!

* beat up cars-- redeemed to a snow worthy vehicle! along with the house, Aaron's parents have let us use their car for the next few years! It isn't as scary to drive in the winter conditions now!

* Aaron's job... Aaron was working at a facility for troubled boys and he was drained and frustrated by all of the issues up there. This summer he started working at a home for mentally challenged adults and he loves it! he has a flexible schedule that works around his schooling and he enjoys going to work now!

it seems that as I continue to trust in the Lord for my future and security He takes my little hopes and dreams and turns them into something better than I could have imagined.

I am blessed.

my hope

my hope is NOT in who I am

it is not in my role

in my position

in my reputation

it is not in my future or desires

it is not in circumstances

it is not in things or people

My hope is in God. it has to be. The other things change and fade and I only can hope in the Lord.

I want to hold on to hope that good things will happen in my future. I want to have hope that I will be a mother, that i will make a great impact for the kingdom, that I will live on the field... but i can't hope in those things. God is my hope and I choose to hope only in Him.

Tomorrow i would have been 7 weeks pregnant but this weekend things changed quickly. my body and my emotions are trying to deal with the loss of our tiny baby. I still believe that God can do a huge miracle and that there could be a way for the baby to have survived but it's not looking very promising.

These last few months have rocked my foundations and it has made me more sure of the God that I love and serve. I will give it all up... my future, my plans, my way.... to follow my savior obediently and intimately.

pray that the God of comfort will be close to our hearts as we grieve.

this week

This week felt like one of the hardest I've had- or at least hardest in a long time. I was on the verge of tears all week and my soul felt sad and broken. Throughout the whole week I was asking God to fill me with truth and hope and now after 7 days of tears my heart is beginning to be uplifted.

I have been in the counseling school for almost 3 months now and I have learned so much but with it has come some hard soul-searching type of stuff. Last friday I had a conversation with the school leader that left me crushed and broken. I am used to leaders loving me, I am used to being trusted and given responsibility, and I am used to feeling encouraged by my leaders. I have known that I put too much weight on what leaders think of me, but this week it all come to the surface. Although I know in my head that my worth and value comes from God, when my leader said very hurtful words to me, in my heart I felt so worthless and devastated. I felt like my character, dreams, and value was trampled on and I had nothing left. Throughout this week God has been speaking to me and I think it is getting into my heart more and more. Here are some of the little truths He's been saying:

* He is for me

* He likes me

* He will rescue me

* Psalm 27-- The Lord is the defense of my life... wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage

* He will lift me up in his timing

* He sees me and knows me

* I don't need to defend myself or try to get people on "my team"

* I need to release her and walk in grace and forgiveness

* He is trustworthy and good

I hope throughout this tough experience my value will be based on God's thoughts. I will wait for Him to redeem or change the situation. Until then--- I will stand on the truth that He is my light and my salvation, that He is faithful and good, and that He is my firm foundation.

notpliment

happy memorial day!

It's a day off from my counseling school! whoop whoop.

It's been a great day so far but now i must buckle down and start my 11 page paper which is due tomorrow. While I search my head for a topic I have to blog a thought.

lately I've been the recipient of many age notpliments (notpliment: not quite a compliment). First it was during the chipotle happy hour when aaron and I had to show some IDs to get our margaritas. The worker checked aaron's license and smiled sweetly; when she looked at my date of birth from over 3 decades ago she said "WOW! you sure don't look THAT old!" The true sign that you've been given a notpliment is when you have to respond with a "thank you??" scrunching up your face and looking awkward. Last night I got another one when some girl aaron went to high school with asked me how old i was. she gave me the "huh....you look pretty good for being that old. i thought you were maybe 24 or 25 but never 31!"

here are some other notpliments that are frequently heard:

* I like your hair better that way

* Wow, you aren't as fat as you were

* You look beautiful in this light

* It's amazing what makeup can do for you!

* You're smarter than you look

* You are unique in your own special way

* that shirt is really slimming

* you drive well for a woman

* it doesn't taste that bad

do you have any notpliments to share?? or do you have a topic for my paper??